That’s it. I’m done with reading. There’s only so much you can read over and over hoping it sticks. And those goddamn microsleeps slowly stealing bits and pieces away from me. I have no idea what’s wrong with me. My research indicates that the Choir is not to blame for all of my symptoms, but that’s only because there haven’t been any cases like me ever. Everybody else gets found by the Choir, goes paranoid, and dies, or becomes a Greyskin. So I don’t know what’s the deal with all my weird symptoms.
My memory problems are getting worse, too. Or maybe I’m just now noticing them. In any case, what I was apparently able to remember five months ago is now fuzzy at best, and missing at worst. In addition, I’m starting to recall things that I know cannot have happened. Not clear pictures or scenes, but rather little instances of something. Places and people I’ve had no prior interactions with are just randomly popping into my head. It always feels like something is just at the tip of my tongue, but I just cant grasp it.
Another passing observation I’ve gotten while trying to work out my memory issues is that the quality of my posts have changed. My early posts were fraught with rage, as I guess I was fighting some form of anger management issues. Although why I had issues is something I can, surprisingly, no longer remember. I said at one point that I assaulted my brother at a family reunion, and while that’s one of the few things I clearly remember, it does nothing to explain why I had those issues or why I attacked my brother out of the blue. But in any case, the anger seems to have lifted somehow recently. I don’t feel as constantly enraged by the world as I did. I really just feel kind of detached. The only thing keeping me going are these studies, something I’m sure I would have found boring two or three months ago. I don’t know, I just feel a compulsion to learn. As if knowing everything will help me get out of this bind.
And The Advisor claims to know something I don’t, something that I won’t be able to find just by searching the internet. So since all my other leads have gone dry, I must ask you once again, Advisor, to impart whatever knowledge you have. You seem to be interested in keeping me alive, and this is my only hope now…
Okay fine, since you seem to be in such a strange state, I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to give you a push in the right direction. Tell me, why did you wind up in therapy with the Doctors?
ReplyDelete- Have a Nice Day
Umm... I assaulted my brother and was coerced into taking the therapy, I remember that much.
DeleteNo, no, that’s not right. Think, how much time passed between the assault and your therapy beginning?
Delete- Have a Nice Day
It must have been several months.
DeleteThat seems like quite a lot of time when I think about it...
Okay, now we’ve established that. So why would they force you into therapy that far after the act? That really doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?
DeleteNext question: When did your anger issues really begin to surface?
- Have a Nice Day
A while ago. Maybe a bit less than a year from now.
DeleteWas that before or after you started the therapy?
Delete- Have a Nice Day
No, no, no that can’t be right. I started therapy because of the issues, not the other way around. I must have gotten it wrong.
DeleteLet’s assume you got that right. Let us assume you were in therapy before your psychological issues started surfacing.
DeleteSo now why would you be taking therapy?
- Have a Nice Day
Because I assaulted my brother?
DeleteOkay, so why would you do that?
Delete- Have a Nice Day
I don’t know, alright? Maybe it was something he said, something he did, I just don’t know!
DeleteAlright, this is taking far too long, and I know you won’t like this, so please forgive me.
DeleteWhat do you remember about your brother Peter?
- Have a Nice Day
What are you talking about?
DeleteI don’t have a brother named Peter. My brothers are Ben and John, I don’t have a third brother.
Well of course. You don’t have him now.
DeleteDo you remember what happened to Peter, Thomas?
Do you remember why you attacked Benjamin?
- Have a Nice Day
Wait, did you kill your brother, and forget he existed? That's a reason for therapy.
ReplyDeleteIt's a long story.
DeleteMemory loss can be explained by Blindman involvement. What I find more concerning is your recent sense of detachment coupled with a thirst for knowledge and a growing obsession. Drink anything interesting lately? Is your girlfriend experiencing similar symptoms? It might be in your pipes.
ReplyDeleteIt may be too late given the progression of symptoms you describe and there's no solid evidence that it will work anyway but it can't hurt to start taking a diuretic in the hopes that you can eliminate any Ink that may be in your system. In a pinch caffeine should do the trick.
The memory loss was not due to COMPOSER, that much I know for a fact. one of the side procedures of... the experiment... was to have the memory of the experiment erased, so knowledge of what happened wouldn't alter the results. Advisor convinced them to alter the amnesiac and make it a bit more potent, erasing the better part of a decade or so.
DeleteAs for your other concern, I'm not gaining a new "obsession." It's a bit difficult to explain, but just trust me when I say that detachment and a hunger for knowledge are pretty normal for me.