That’s it. I’m done with reading. There’s only so much you can read over and over hoping it sticks. And those goddamn microsleeps slowly stealing bits and pieces away from me. I have no idea what’s wrong with me. My research indicates that the Choir is not to blame for all of my symptoms, but that’s only because there haven’t been any cases like me ever. Everybody else gets found by the Choir, goes paranoid, and dies, or becomes a Greyskin. So I don’t know what’s the deal with all my weird symptoms.
My memory problems are getting worse, too. Or maybe I’m just now noticing them. In any case, what I was apparently able to remember five months ago is now fuzzy at best, and missing at worst. In addition, I’m starting to recall things that I know cannot have happened. Not clear pictures or scenes, but rather little instances of something. Places and people I’ve had no prior interactions with are just randomly popping into my head. It always feels like something is just at the tip of my tongue, but I just cant grasp it.
Another passing observation I’ve gotten while trying to work out my memory issues is that the quality of my posts have changed. My early posts were fraught with rage, as I guess I was fighting some form of anger management issues. Although why I had issues is something I can, surprisingly, no longer remember. I said at one point that I assaulted my brother at a family reunion, and while that’s one of the few things I clearly remember, it does nothing to explain why I had those issues or why I attacked my brother out of the blue. But in any case, the anger seems to have lifted somehow recently. I don’t feel as constantly enraged by the world as I did. I really just feel kind of detached. The only thing keeping me going are these studies, something I’m sure I would have found boring two or three months ago. I don’t know, I just feel a compulsion to learn. As if knowing everything will help me get out of this bind.
And The Advisor claims to know something I don’t, something that I won’t be able to find just by searching the internet. So since all my other leads have gone dry, I must ask you once again, Advisor, to impart whatever knowledge you have. You seem to be interested in keeping me alive, and this is my only hope now…