A Request

That’s it. I’m done with reading. There’s only so much you can read over and over hoping it sticks. And those goddamn microsleeps slowly stealing bits and pieces away from me. I have no idea what’s wrong with me. My research indicates that the Choir is not to blame for all of my symptoms, but that’s only because there haven’t been any cases like me ever. Everybody else gets found by the Choir, goes paranoid, and dies, or becomes a Greyskin. So I don’t know what’s the deal with all my weird symptoms.

My memory problems are getting worse, too. Or maybe I’m just now noticing them. In any case, what I was apparently able to remember five months ago is now fuzzy at best, and missing at worst. In addition, I’m starting to recall things that I know cannot have happened. Not clear pictures or scenes, but rather little instances of something. Places and people I’ve had no prior interactions with are just randomly popping into my head. It always feels like something is just at the tip of my tongue, but I just cant grasp it.

Another passing observation I’ve gotten while trying to work out my memory issues is that the quality of my posts have changed. My early posts were fraught with rage, as I guess I was fighting some form of anger management issues. Although why I had issues is something I can, surprisingly, no longer remember. I said at one point that I assaulted my brother at a family reunion, and while that’s one of the few things I clearly remember, it does nothing to explain why I had those issues or why I attacked my brother out of the blue. But in any case, the anger seems to have lifted somehow recently. I don’t feel as constantly enraged by the world as I did. I really just feel kind of detached. The only thing keeping me going are these studies, something I’m sure I would have found boring two or three months ago. I don’t know, I just feel a compulsion to learn. As if knowing everything will help me get out of this bind.

And The Advisor claims to know something I don’t, something that I won’t be able to find just by searching the internet. So since all my other leads have gone dry, I must ask you once again, Advisor, to impart whatever knowledge you have. You seem to be interested in keeping me alive, and this is my only hope now…

Easter and More Studying

Okay. Update time. Still haven't really left the house. No surprises there.

Chelsea slipped sleeping pills into my food Saturday morning. That, I must admit, was a bit of a surprise.

Yeah, so I've been a bit lax on my sleeping pill regiment. In that I've been forgoing taking the pills so I can get more reading done. So Chelsea forced me to sleep for the majority of Saturday and a good bit of Sunday morning. Apparently last Sunday was Easter, so Chelsea drugged me so I would be able to enjoy the holiday with her. She got a lot of candy, some movies, and a nice dinner, and we had an okay time, I guess. I didn't really notice the trouble with this until the next morning, when I realized that my long nap had made me forget a sizable amount of information. I didn't think much of it at the time, no idea why, but now I realize all the time I had lost in getting fooled like this.

But now I'm back up to speed, and I've mentally compiled all the information I can on my little eldritch problem. So it seems that The Choir can manifest as either a set of grey shadows on the edge of your vision (or directly behind the person in question, sometimes slightly off to one side, as if they're facing your ear) or as a grey fungus. The fungus seems to be their physical state, and can grow on buildings, people, basically any surface it wants to, I guess. If it grows on a building, it does its little Choir-obfuscation thing to anyone who happens to be in the vicinity. If it grows on a person, it messes with the hearing of said person much like it would during a non-corporeal possession. But it seems that these victims, the Greyskins, are actually in some form of contact with the Choir. They hear different things than the normal victims, and are subject to slightly different symptoms, like vocal modifications.

The non-corporeal possessions all seem to take a similar route. Person catches the attention of the Choir, and the Choir drives the person mad through the alterations of both what they hear and what others say. Mostly it changes what is heard, but it is not unheard of for the Choir to actually change what is said, as opposed to what is merely heard. Anyway, the non-corporeal possession continues like this until the victim's mind is completely unhinged or they commit suicide.

There are no records of any Greyskins being able to rid themselves of their infection and become normal humans again, nor are there any records detailing how or if someone was able to survive a non-corporeal possession with their sanity intact.

But this doesn't completely make sense. My symptoms are similar to the non-corporeal possessions, I have glimpsed the grey shadows once or twice, and nearly everything I hear is changed, but there are no cases where the victims become unable to write certain things correctly, or get selective dyslexia, both of which I've picked up recently. Nor are there any mentions of the Choir affecting memory, and I seem to be having great trouble remembering certain facts and details, along with being unable to recall certain things. Like that creek. I remember it, in that I know where it is and what I called it, but I do not recall how I know that. I've been trying to piece together possible options, and I've discovered that I'm having great difficulties remembering a lot of things from the past decade or so. I remember high school. I remember having the phone job. I remember moving in with Chelsea. But I don't remember how I got that job, or where I lived before moving here. I looked back at the first posts I made, and I said that I graduated from the local community college in 2006, but I do not remember that happening. Specifically, I do not recall the graduation, or what the college looked like, or what classes I took, or anything about that time period in general. Which brings me to Mr. Advisor...

The Advisor said earlier that my writing looked familiar. Since then he's been following this blog and offering to come help me. I can only assume he's a friend from that block of memory I seem to be missing, which doesn't explain why he wouldn't just tell me his name so I can figure out who he is...

Anyway, I've rambled for far too long. This is what I've researched. I still have no idea what's going on. And Advisor is still a mystery to me. I don't have much more to read, so I'll think of something to do soon...

Studying

So I've been kind of really busy these last few days. Decided I wanted to know more about The Choir, and more about everything related to it. Reading and writing, reading and writing, that's all I've been doing for the past few days.
No time for sleep, of course.
Granted I can't read anything I write, so I end up having to reread a lot of things. And for some reason there are some things that just don't stick in my head. Little holes and gaps in the knowledge that I was sure I had filled earlier. I tried making a fact web to connect everything, but it just ended up becoming too disorganized. Then the lines reminded me of the CONDUCTRESS's strings, and I had to burn that paper.

Which was a shame, because that was the only coherent thing I could find in these stacks of paper. Pages and pages of scribbles and nonsense. I don't know why I keep trying anymore, it'll just end up an incoherent mess. All these notes gone to waste.

But that doesn't mean I haven't learned anything, oh no. I've learned that there is very little known about The Choir. Their symptoms and appearance are known, and it's recently been found that they sometimes manifest in a fungus, which can accumulate on a body. But nobody knows what the fungus does, how the Choir acts, why the Choir picks who they pick and how they know who will bend and who will break.
They haven't broken me yet.
I learned that there aren't very many documented sightings of DECRESCENDO, and that he and his followers generally act more subtly than other similar beings. The REQUIEM very rarely acts, or has to act, but his followers go out and actively bring death to others for their master. FERMATA, mainly attacks lone travelers or runners, but banding together doesn't seem to help very much against him. REFRAIN usually causes severe mental anguish, but can only kill when inhabiting a human host.

But I can only keep what I'm able to remember, and that space is limited and slippery. I wish I was able to keep my notes, I spent so much time working on them and they would make this so much easier. But I guess those nights were wasted on these stacks of gibberish.
Now I wonder whose fault THAT is...
But perhaps in a sense they weren't. I almost felt comfortable writing those, in a sort of cathartic, almost nostalgic way. Not sure why that is, but that's not important.
It was just like old times.
What is important is that I'm still here, and that Chelsea's still here, and that I'm not constantly sitting at the TV, trying to decode Choir-nonesnse anymore.
You remember the old times? Because I still do.
Back to the studies.
They didn't take everything from me.

News

I spent the entire morning watching the news, listening to the newsanchor berate me for not being good enough to hold down a job.

It's not like I'm not worried that there's an eldritch being messing with what I hear, but this just seems so benign. It's almost like I'm getting used to this.

I mean, all it's been doing is trying to convince me that I'm no good, or that I should kill myself, or more laughably, that I should kill Chelsea.

No, Mr. Weatherman, I will not kill Chelsea. Go back to pointing at the clouds and calling me a bitch.

I still need to show Chelsea this blog. Or at least find some way of showing her what's wrong with me.

Because I know for a fact I can't trust myself to tell her directly now. No telling if the Choir's going to skew what I say... Is there? Does the Choir work both ways, or can they only change what goes in my ear?

I really wish Chelsea didn't have to be involved in all this, even if it is just dealing with me.

I woke up yesterday to the weatherman accusing me of committing heinous crimes. Chelsea hadn't woken up yet, and thankfully she wouldn't be awake when I left. I spent the day hearing the gossip fly from person to person, fully aware that they were no longer saying a word about me. The clients had nothing but spiteful, accusatory ramblings. I tried the best I could, but they made it so hard...

I'm taking today off. Something happened. The Choir was never this active before. 10 and 6, those were the parameters. So long as I stayed away from that ungodly time, I would be safe and sane.

They're toying with me. They could make every sound a hell, but they aren't. Chelsea still doesn't know exactly what's going on. I never did explain to her what I found. The longer I wait, the worse it'll be, but now it's going to be impossible...

I don't know what's happening, or why it's happening, but I fear for the worst now.

A plan

Goddamn it, I hate it that they're STILL talking about me being a schizo. I'm not even that surprised that they found out, but they found out so goddamn QUICKLY. And they won't shut up about it! The gossip hens can keep a subject alive for a couple of weeks, but it usually dies down after that. They don't seem to be stopping with this! Fuck, I'm going to hate these next couple of weeks more than usual, won't I?

As for my other problems, it's been REALLY quiet lately. I'd say uncannily quiet, but all I have to go on are all your stories, and I can't tell if they're the norm or not, or what can even be classified as "normal" in these godforsaken circumstances. Anyway, I've been avoiding being conscious during what seems to be the "hot hours" of 10 p.m. - 6 a.m. I've timed taking the sleeping pills so I'm out before 9:45, which puts me well ahead of what was the beginning of that damned whispering.

Which brings me to this idea. I haven't heard anything since that one big freak-out. I mean, the only things I could POSSIBLY attribute to the Choir at this point is my coworkers' comments and the weird, little shits going on this blog (seriously, if somebody has any idea how to keep the Choir from messing with my posts, it'd be greatly appreciated, because that's fucking annoying). But I'm not yet going to pin the gossip on them yet... This seems to be the normal gossip rounds so far... Anyway, I don't know if the whispers changed, or if they even stopped altogether. So I've got this plan. I'm going to take the pills a bit late. No more than 20 minutes. I'm going to expose myself to the whispering just long enough so I know what's changed since the freak-out.

Who knows? Maybe it'll be safe for me to be up past 10 now. God I hate having a bedtime... Anyway, the plan is to have this site up around that time, and I'll try my best to post my thoughts before the pills knock me out completely. That way if something happens I'll have a firsthand account to read from tomorrow.

What I learned in class today

I've just taken my sleeping pills, so I'll try to get this up before I pass out.

First of all, I didn't see the docs this week. They didn't call or email me, so I assume they are following this.

Next, I've done a lot of reading. So the Choir is a being that controls sound, and can manifest both as a shadow in the corner of your eye, and as a mold. The REQUIEM is sort of like the afterlife? Everybody who's died ends up with him as sort of a zombie. But the pills don't come from him. They come from his drug-dealing cultists. And then there's DECRESCENDO. The stories differed on exactly what he does, but the consensus is that he makes people sick. And that symbol is used by his followers.

I've also been talking with Chelsea about all this. She can see the symbols on the bottle, as well, so they must not be a hallucination. So I guess we have to at least entertain the idea that we're caught up in this.

So. Worst case scenario. We're being targeted by the three things above, at least. If that's the case, then chances are slim that we'll survive. Best case scenario is that I'm hallucinating all of this, and the docs read a lot of internet horror and have a sick sense of humor. However, I think neither of those options are true.

The most likely scenario is that we're (I'm) being targeted by the Choir and the followers of the other two. The REQUIEM doesn't really deal with the drug trading aspect of his cult. That's their own invention. Likewise, the only thing we can really be sure about is the docs' connection to DECRESCENDO. Not DECRESCENDO's actual involvement in all this. In any case, I haven't noticed any dead people walking around, nor do I feel particularly sick.

That brings me to my third point. After talking it over with Chelsea, we've decided that we can't start running. We've got jobs and we're not exactly in the best of conditions to suddenly be homeless. Also, if I'm actually getting targeted by the Choir, then I'm going to need money for sleeping pills, and if my condition gets worse, being out there will only make it even more worse.

The pills are starting to kick in, so I've gotta end this. Long story short, we're hoping that the Choir can be confined to me, and that that third scenario is the one that's really happening. We can make this work somehow.

Fuck This

Okay, this is stupid. My sleep schedule is fucked beyond belief by the whispering (I passed out once they died down at like 8 this morning). The docs are unresponsive. All my calls get directed to their voicemail, and now they must have a hundred angry/freaked out messages on that thing.

I did some research. The closest thing this comes to is schizophrenia, but there are other symptoms, too. Pure auditory hallucinations alone do not make a schizo.

So here's the deal. somebody replied with some shit about a choir, or something. I'd normally just chalk it up to random trolling, but that other guy, one of the people who actually follows this shit (and has been following it for a while, I think), posted something I didn't quite get.

"punxtrJan 20, 2012 01:39 PM

Let's hope he reads that sentence exactly as I do..."

This just doesn't seem right. I'm getting a feeling something's up, and it isn't random trolls. You people know something, and you aren't exactly being generous with this information.

Perhaps I am really schizophrenic, and these are the delusions talking.

Either way, it doesn't change the fact you're being pretty damn cryptic with your shit, and I'm not getting anything from it. Explain yourselves.